An Elemental Obituary

Posted by Abbott Klar Real Estate on Monday, March 31st, 2014 at 12:32pm

It is with deepest regret that I announce after 99,547 pot-hole filled DC miles, 73 parking tickets, 2 "snow emergency" towings, a run-in with a DC cop car and 8 sets of tires, my beloved ugly box of a car has moved on to the great smooth autobahn in the sky. It faithfully carried, without too much complaint, hundreds of happy home buyers, dozens of laughing children on car-pool runs, a few Senators, two dogs, a fish, and a moose head. 

Born from the demented brain of a Japanese designer (or schoolgirl) was one of the ugliest cars ever made. And yet, it found joy in having a normal life. When I saw the car at the dealer in 2003 I was just getting started in real estate and figured I should buy a Jag or something, right? Gotta dress for success and all. But then I saw this hideous utilitarian box of a car all by itself (the other cars wouldn't play with it) and I said to myself "Wow! That is ugly! I have to have it!". Nevermind that it did not come with floor mats or passanger arm rests and the doors opened backwards (suicide doors indeed!) it could have been my ugly duckling that grew into a beautiful swan. Nope. It stayed fugly. Oh well, what truly mattered was the (tub)thumping stereo system so I could rock out with my homies and the fact that I could fit my motorcycle in the back. 

This was not just any ordinary, highly reliable, cookie cutter Honda. No sireee! This big metal box was lovingly forged from a single block of LEGO-factory sourced Japanese plastic and pure marketing genius. What will they think of next?! This car was ruthlessly efficient. No paint was wasted on the bumpers or the wheel wells. This thing was green before green was cool. Take that hipsters! And Priuses! Is it Priuses? Priusii? 

This beauty's plastic heart pulsated with a whopping 78 masochistically trained and docile horses pumping 0.9 liters of heavily refined-unleaded-double filtered fuel through her quad cylinders. She waltzed from zero to 32 miles an hour in less than 29 seconds (60s seconds was too cliche for her) and could ford a puddle a whole 2 inches deep! And the moon roof! Oh, I forgot to mention that before? Ohhh yes, the moon roof baby! The back doesn't open, but we could always shimmy out the moon roof in case of emergency. 

But now, the true existential question remains. What mortal vehicle could possible fill the void of such a magnanimous beast? No Batmobile or TARDIS could ever compare to her beauty and power. I can go the 'green' route and spend the kids' college fund on an ecologically-sound, earth saving, coolness dropping, I-care-more-about-the-planet-than-you-and-I'm-rich Tesla that Captain Planet himself would jump at the chance to drive or that new shiny (hey, men like shiny things too!) BMW 7 series is looking mighty fine. Or I could buy a granola and quinoa powered Subaru Forester.   But even though I live close enough to Takoma Park I never was the puff-the-magic-dragon type... It's a shame they don't make HUMMERS anymore, now that would have solved all my pot hole problems.  Alas! With two beautiful daughters, a mentally deficient fluffy dog, and the occaisonal carpool duty, the exterior curves, ultimate practicality, and cavernous interior of the minivan beckon! 16 cupholders. Seriously, sixteen!?! And now it comes with a vacuum cleaner? It could only get better if the vacuum was a Rumba and I didn't have to do it myself. Hmm, maybe I'll email Ford on that one...Oh God! I'm falling for a minivan. Help me, before it's too late! If there is a humane thought anywhere in the deep recesses of your mind, somebody stop me! I am way too cool for a minivan (even if I painted flames on it and installed amped up subwoofers to blare ACDC in an attmept to preserve my masculine pride). All hope is lost. I miss my motorcycle...

The 2003 Honda Element is survived by her loving owners and their two lovely children. The family asks that in lieu of flowers you raise awareness of the pitfalls of minivans and the vehicular death traps that are potholes. Calling hours were cancelled due to unseasonal and unpredidicted snowfall. There will be no graveside service. 

2 Responses to An Elemental Obituary

Cathy wrote:

This was the best laugh I have had in a bit. I even rode in that poor old car. May then next one to join the family provide as well as this one did.

Posted on Monday, March 31st, 2014 at 3:36pm

Jeen-Marie wrote:

What?!
Sad day indeed! One less box of awesomeness in Brookland.
No picture of your new chic ride?
Congratulations! (I think)
JM

Posted on Monday, March 31st, 2014 at 4:55pm

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